Sunday, October 18, 2009

Change or Control?

As you know, I've been wrestling with a lot of change in recent months. New neighbors put up boundaries towards the lake which drove me back to the pond. Others have razed wildlife habitats I once reveled in watching at the pond. Places of worship & praise have become unutterably altered or out of reach. This morning, I decided to feed Megan's final descendant. Closing my eyes to the vinyl siding, I headed down. Hawks symbolize comfort & hope for me, but when buzzards are here they are no where to be found. A buzzard flew just above me, lower than I have ever witnessed.Just then, the door opened to the nearby letting my aging "puppy" & I know that she is no longer welcome where she once laughed happily, chasing the ducks back into the water....

As I walked her home, my mind went back to a conversation I had the other night. I shared with a young woman about a past, & very, deep hurt. "For years", I told her, "I hated the color orange until I put it together with the past incident. Now it has become very symbolic in my art." I confided to her that, " I am a 'survivor' but it really is an issue about control. Though it happened decades ago, control issues can bring up old scars."

BAM ! It hit me ! My brother recently pointed out how I *DO* jump in to new things & it isn't accurate to say that I don't like change. Perhaps what I am wrestling with is more of a lack of control than it is change. Perhaps I am falling back into the habit of being a victim rather than a survivor.....TIME TO TAKE BACK CONTROL ! First step, pray & LISTEN more for His Holy guidance !

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